Fan Fiction written By a Dummy!

Hey guys and gals! Long time no read. How’ve you been?! Good. Awe sorry to hear that. That’s great! Congratulations! That’s messed up, you should never talk to that person again. Wow, that sounds awesome!

Okay, that should cover all the pleasantries. Good or bad. Happy or sad. On to the blog!

Those of you who know me, either through this very blog, or my twitter, or my podcast! You know that my dream is to be a comic book writer/ Graphic Novelist. I have been working on my craft for a very long time. And continue to do so. I’ve written quite a number of, what can be called at this point, Fan Fiction! Alot of it with Marvel properties.

I will be going in to more detail of what the stories are in an upcoming podcast that I will be recording once I post this blog. But here’s a list of some of my ideas. If you want to learn more. Check out the podcast coming up. Thank you for your time. 😉

1. “Namor: Prince of Atlantis”  Telling the tale of young Namor from the perspective of his grand father the king of Atlantis.

2. “Punisher: 1862” What if the story of the punisher took place in the Wild West!

3. “Captain America: Super-Soldier” a strong re-telling of Caps origins.

4. “Punisher: End Game” Franks mission is complete. HIS war is won, what happens next?!

5. “The Four” another retelling of the FF’s origin story.

6. “X-Men Legends” a twist to the world of the x-men.

7. “Wolverine vs Predator” parts one and two…. Nuff said!

I swear if any of you steal my ideas… I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!!!!!

Until next time folks…. Peace out! 😉

 

Action Movies: Then and Now! (Are they better or worse?!)

My Twitter friend and Follower Anarchy Anton (@Antarchy) posed this question to me. “Do you think Action movies have improved since thier hay day of the 1980’s?”

So I got to thinking… Yeah! Yes.. Yes they have….

So until next time folks…. Peace out!

Lmfao! Could you imagine If I just left like that! It’ll probably be my best blog. EVER! “Finally you post a short one douch bag!!”( is what most of you would say)

But in all honesty. Hollywood, in every decade or so, has a trend of movies they release. The late 50’s and early 60’s there were the epics (biblical or not) the 60’s and 70’s had the westerns. Then, in the late 70’s and through out most of the 80’s into the early 90’s came the big budget Action films! With “Stars” such as Jean Cluade Van Dam, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Shwartzenegger, Steven Sagal. “Talent” such as them, proved that they didn’t have to have any “Acting” talent to kick ass and jump from an explosion (that could kill any ordinary person) and survive the blast!!

But the times were different then. The political climate, the job market, hmm.. Okay you can say its kinda the same climate now. But I do have a point to get to, so hear me out. The movie going crowd was also the big difference! No one cared too much about story or a plot that makes sence. All they wanted was the pure escape the action movie provided! Light plot ( good guy, bad guy. One plus one equals two. Simple.) action that excites, explosions, body’s flying all over the place. And a funny quip here and a funny line there. You got yourself an action movie of the 80’s!

But today’s movie audiance is a whole lot smarter! Sure we still want those badass action scenes and ect. But! We want a compelling story to go with the mindless explosions ( hear that Micheal bay! Pay attention!) We want a full movie experience. We want to be intrested in what the hell is going on. Action movies will always be just about that. The Action! All we ask for now is to make it alittle more interesting.

In closing. The Action movies of today are ten times better then they were then. (Don’t get me wrong! Those 80’s action films are cinema gems of thier time! Watchable even today. So no angry tweets please.. Harley! @frogsage) the special effects! The plots! The Actors are real actors! So.. Yeah! Action movies are better now. And there’s always room for them to grow.

So, until next time folks.. Peace out!

if you have any blog topics or suggestions, thoughts or comments. Please let me know. Either in the comment section below. Or on my Twitter page @GonzoNeo thank you!

The Greatest Super-Heroines Of All Time!

The following list within this blog. Is who I consider to be the Top Ten Super-Heroines in Comics… Ever… (In my humble opinion) I made this list, judging from my own personal knowledge of the characters. Their popularity. Their respected abilities. Their cool factor. And the major roles they play within thier respected universes. So… Enjoy!

10. WITCHBLADE (Sara Pazzini)

Mortally wounded from a gun shot intended for her partner. Sara Pezzini was joined with The WitchBlade which healed her and granted her amazing powers and abilities and limits the amount of clothing she wears. Created by Marc Silvestri, Micheal Turner, David Whol, Christina Z and Brian Haberlin. She is The most popular female hero to come out of Image/Top Cow. And still continues to sell many comics for Top Cow. She has been translated to the small screen with a TV movie and short lived series. Not only does she make sales here in america. But She’s also been successfully reimagined in Japan in both Manga and Anime form.

9. BLACK CANARY

DC comics resident knockout (besides Wonder Woman of course) and a badass to boot! Dinah Lance: The Black Canary was created by, Dick Dillin and Dennis O’Neil. The daughter of the original Black Canary and a police officer. She’s been trained by the legendary JSA founder WildCat and she also possesses a ‘MeteGene’ (mutation) of a sonic scream she calls the ‘CANARY CRY’ that can do some serious damage to whomever she directs it at. So if you don’t want to hear it. Don’t piss her off. She is also the leader and cofounder of the all female hero team. THE BIRDS OF PREY! If that’s not enough! She was a key member of the reformed Justice League along with, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern, The Flash, Aquaman and Green Arrow. Her porpularity has only tripled thanks in part to her appearances in the animated series’ Justice League, Justice League Unlimted, and Young Justice. And more recently the hugely successful live action ARROW  television series. In my honest and humble opinion, Black Canary (done right and with respect) could be a very good female lead superhero movie.

8.BLACK WIDOW

MARVEL Comics very own Super Spy… Has no super powers at all! Unless you classify ass kicking and being drop dead gorgoues a super power! A woman who’s history could very well (maybe) trace as far back as WW2 (unless they changed her back story… Again) Created by Stan Lee, Don Rico and Don Heck. Black Widow/ Natashia Rominov is a master assassin who once worked for the Soviet Union, was tasked to assassinate Tony Stark, aka Iron Man. Soon turning over a new leaf, she later joined The Avengers and The West Coast Avengers. And on occassion teaming with other Avengers related teams throughout her comic career. Most notably and most recently she has been a prodominite SHIELD agent. Not eactly one of the most popular characters , but a fan favorite guest star and team up character. Black Widow has found tremendous fame and accolades Thanks to Scarlett Johanssons portrayal of her. Her rich history and alluring personality could also carry a major motion picture. With Scarllett in the lead and the right people behind it. It could be a great film.

7. BATGIRL/ BARBRA GORDON

What can I say about Batgirl, that can atest to her badassery, Intelligence and Skill. That isn’t already known through out all of  comicdom! I mean the woman was shot and paralyzed from the waist down.. That! Didn’t stop her! She became the eyes and ears for both Batman and The Justice League as Oracle. There isn’t a computer system that she cannot hack! Cofounder and sometime leader of The Birds Of Prey, along with Black Canary. She is a valued asset, ally and friend for any team to have at thier side.

6. THE SENSATIONAL SHE-HULK (Jennifer Walters)

Whoa boy! If this was any other list, She-Hulk would be number one! (Lets face it. She is my number one!) BUT!  She falls at the sixth spot. The cousin of the Incredible Hulk, Jennifer Walters was a small time lawyer who got on the wrong side of a mobster she was investigating. She was set up in a mob hit. Luckily Cousin Bruce was in town, unable to get her to a hospital and find a suitable matching blood type for her in time. Bruce, knowing the possible after effect and that he was in fact a blood match, he had no choice but to craft a makeshift blood transfusion. The transformation was just about immediate. Her wounds were fully healed and little meek Jennifer  turned in to the near seven foot emerald bombshell we all know and love today. In her first volume of stories, She -Hulk, (to me) was a serious character with interesting stories.. But somewhere along the line through out the 90’s she was very much a joke book. Even her cameos in other Tittles were full of just sexual innuendos and silliness. For someone who has been a member of comics two great super teams (Fantastic Four and The Avengers respectedley)She has the great potentiol of being one of the biggest Characters in, not just Marvel, but all of Comics. It’s only now and she’s starting to get some respect.

5. HAWKWOMAN

Hawkwoman! When it comes to Dangerous woman in DC, you don’t have to look no further then her. HAWKWOMAN has seen it all and done it all. From the planet Thanaga, she is also the reincarnated spirit of an Egyptian princess, Chay-Ara. Reading up on her history I did however discover something about her… Her origins are fucking confusing. But! She still is a very valuable member of the Justice League and Justice Society! Her recent relaunch in DC’s new 52 line looks very interesting and I can’t wait to look in to it further. But her original badass self comes in to my list at number five!

4. INVISIBLE WOMAN

The Matriarch of Marvel’s  first Family. Susan Storm juggles her marriage with Reed Richards, two kids, her crazy brother Johnny, all while saving the world from total annihilation! And through all that still manages to look like a total MILF! Im Sure I can imagine your probably thinking, “All she does is turn invisible! How the hell did she get on this list and at number four No less?!” She’s a strong intelligent woman. Who has played key roles in earths survival against numorous evils. (Did I mention she’s a MILF!?) and… Above all else.. It’s my list! You put her wherever you want on your list pal!! Sheesh! All jokes aside, Invisible Woman is also an experienced and skilled leader in battle! So beat that!

3. STORM

The Weather Godess! Ororo Monroe makes it to the top three. An American born from an African Mother and an American Father. She Moved to Africa with her parents at a very young age. A tragic plane crash killed her parents, in thier home. she alone survived. Traped with her dead mother. This tramua, was the precursur to her claustrophobia. Which she still struggles with to this day. Crawling her way out of the rubble. She lived out most of her early years on the streets of Cairo Egypt. Falling in with a group of thieves, she learned to be a pickpocket to survive, she came under the guardianship of Farouk aka THE SHADOW KING! Upon trying to steal the wallet of one young Charles Xavier, he followed her and came into contact with another powerful Telepath (Shadow King) after thier battle on the astreal plane, Xavier being the victor, Orroro was free from Farouks slavery. Back on her own again. She journeyed to her mothers home land of Kenya. Taken under the wing of an elderly tribelwoman named Ainet. She learned to better control her mutant abilities. And soon the other tribes people came to worship her as a goddess because of her powers. When Prof. X came a calling the rest is comics history. The definition of a strong, gracefull, beautiful woman who has lived through the worst life has to throw at you and come out on top of it all! She has lead several iterations of the Xmen. A natural leader. Storm could have very easily come In at number one on this list.

2. MS. MARVEL/CAPTAIN MARVEL

The closest Character Marvel has to A Wonder Woman! Ms Marvel is also by far thier most powerful female hero ( who isn’t a Telepath or a green giantess, or a Wicth!) An Air Force pilot, Carol Danvers quickly rose through the ranks to become a Major. Her career took her through many armed services groups. The CIA, Shield, and then NASA. While thier she was tasked with investigating the Kree born super hero Captain Marvel. They soon developed a relationship. During this time, she was kidnapped by one of his enemies and used as bait. When trying to rescue her, they were both caught in an (insert weird science sounding bomb name here) blast. The energies let out by the blast infused some of Marvels DNA into Carols. Making her a perfect Human/Kree hybrid. Soon discovering she not only absorbed Marvels DNA but also his powers. Thus, Ms.Marvel was born. Her hero career has seen many ups and downs. Her current status as Captain Marvel has increased her already growing popularity!(Along with great art and writing. The sky’s the limit for Ms. Marvel.) Another much needed female lead hero movie character. Ms. Marvel can be a major film franchise.

Before I get to my number one. Here’s some….

HONORABLE MENTIONS!

IF YOU HAVEN’T GUESSED NÚMERO UNO… Something is very wrong with you.. Just saying.

1. WONDER WOMAN

Oh, Hell yeah! The Amazon Princess herself! Wonder Woman! Is hands down the greatest Super Heroine of all time! Fast enough, smart enough and deffinetly Strong enough to take on all the big guys you could throw at her! Born (from mud?) and raised on the Invisable island of the Amazons, Thermyscyra. Diana is the princess of the amazons. Her mother Queen Hypolita. She became Wonder Woman as a emmesary to the rest of the world. When the world became endangered by a great threat, She joined forces with earths other heroes, creating the first formation of The Justice League! A world class warrior, a natural born leader, and the hottest woman on the planet. Makes her pretty darn badass! She rose above the whole bondage era of her creator in the 40’s and became the symbol of strong women across America. Showing them they don’t always have to be the damsels in distress looking for a man to save them! Sometimes, they are the ones who can do the saving!( and the ass kicking!) WW makes the top of my list not just because of all the politically correct facts. But because she actually IS! My favorite Female Hero (or at least one of the many!)

Well! I hope you folks enjoyed my top ten list! If you guys and gals would be intrested in more of these. Please let me know( either via email, commenting below, or hitting me up on twitter @GonzoNeo) if you agree or don’t agree with my list feel free to let me know. Who woul you have put on The list? Who did I forget!? Thank you very much for reading. If you like what I do. PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO THE BLOG! Thanks!

So, until next time folks.. Peace out!

Brick and Gigabite: Traditional Comics vs.Digital Comics

” PRINT IS DEAD!!!!!!”

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WAIT!! Don’t go jumping out that window just yet! At least hear me out before you do. The Great Stan’The Man’ Lee, was once asked for his thoughts on Digital Comics. And he said, rather very poetically,

Okay! He most deffinetly didn’t say that! But it is pretty darn hilarious! He actually had this to say in answer to the question, ‘With Comics Migrating more and more to games, The Internet and digital form. What place do you see traditional print comic books having in the digital age?’

Stan: “I think there will always be comic books. There is something very pleasant about a comic. You can read it at your own speed. You can carry it, it’s not very heavy. You can fold it and put it in your back pocket. You can collect them, they don’t take up much room. You can go back and re-read them. I think there will always be comics, but ther will be so many forms and versions of them. I think the humble comic book, which is where it started, will always be with us to some extent.”

(Stan made this quote some time ago. But it still rings true, to which the point I wish to make to you today.)

I am one who can respect, the total convineance of downloading and reading an entire library of comics. It’s quick. It’s easy. It’s cheaper. It takes up less space around the house. Whatever! Now I will not lie! I have the Marvel and DC comics apps on this here iPod, on which I am writing this. I have ‘The Incredable Hulk’ number one from 1962-63. I’m glad I do, because, lord knows I could never afford the real thing! ( That’s if this whole blogging thing dosent pan out! Wink wink) I download as many books I can for free! But I swear.. I would trade it all for the real thing!

As a comic book lover, nothing comes close to having the feel of the paper in your hands. The smell of a brand new issue! It’s intoxicating! Sitting down and reading a comic without the strain of looking at a screen and only seeing panel by panel. Right now, Graphic novels and collected editions are my thing. But I’m not here just to tell you how much I love to kill trees to make my comics! NO! I’m here to tell you.. You can’t fully enjoy the experience of a comic. Without first walking into a COMIC BOOK STORE! I’m afraid first and foremost. That digital, is killing the Brick and Morter stores. Yeah sure, shopping online is the next best thing. But, (now I’m far from business savy) I don’t think that that is enough to keep a business afloat! As someone who (somewhat) works in a retail store. Half the business comes from the people that walk inside looking to but one item, ends up buying more. Lets say, for example, You walk in to a comic store. Your looking for a particular issue of ‘Batman:Zero Year’ but wait! Look at that shirt! And oh look, I nice little pin! Oh, when did they relaunch ‘Heroes for Hire’?! I think I’ll grab that. I have enough.

But if you only shop online. You get your one item and they ship it to you. But in the physical store.. It’s dead! Nobody’s walking in and buying stuff! The store can’t keep up with the rent. There goes that store that you just saw the other day and said to yourself,  “Hey, I think I’ll stop there sometime.”

Now I could be over dramatizing things! Whatever. But I would hate for the real places to get comics to be gone forever! For those of you who don’t know. I dream/plan on writing comics! It’s a strong passion of mine. But should that plan not fly. I would like to own and operate a comic book store! It’s the only other reasonable place I could be, to be close to the things I love. I am a strong supporter of the Brick and Morter store. I would hope you would too. In today’s economy. I think all the support they can get! So please.. Before I get off my soap box, go out there and support your local comic shop! (If you have one.) try not to over rely on digital. What happens when the power goes out.. And theres no wifi! Or a complete systems crash!? There goes your collection of three thousand digital books! You’ll be glad you still have your traditional comics right there to greet you with open arms.

So, until next time folks… Peace out!

PS. I love Mother Nature and Trees! That crack I made about killing them was just a joke.. Please no hate mail you nature loving psychopaths!!!

Arnold and Me! (A Multi-Verse Interview)

O.M.F.G!!! OMG! Folks, oh boy! Do I have a special treat for all you awesome ladies and gentelnerds!

Throughout my young life my favorite action movie star was Arnold Shwarzenegger! Oh man! Every movie he had made, I could watch over and over and over again! And earlier today! Somehow! Someway! I was contacted by non other then The Arnold Schwarzenegger That’s right! (Mind. Blown.) He contacted ME! Okay, and granted me! Little ol’ fat ME!! An exclusive interview.. And this, is how it went down.

ME: oh my goodness! I can’t believe this is happening right now! I’m so nervous. Uhm, Thank you so much first of all! For doing this. How in the world did you find me?!

ARNOLD: It’s no problem! Thank you for having me! I was on the Internet, like I always am, I came across your blog. And then, I found your the twitter thing. And found out you had a podscasts. I listened to them and I thought! Hey I like this guy! I want to talk to him.

ME: REALLY!!??

ARNOLD: Yes! Yes! You do great work!

ME: I don’t know what to say! Wow! Thank you so much Sir! Look, enough about me. This is all about you! First off. He have been very busy these past couple of years..

ARNOLD: YES!

ME: You have a slew of new films in either post production, pre production. Or at least just waiting to be released…

ARNOLD: Yes! That is correct! I have ALOT of great movies coming out soon!

ME: Expendables 3 is set for release in a month or so. Your currently, as we speak on the set of Terminator 5! I mean, wow! Can you tell us alittle bit about these two big movies!? How was it to return to Expendables, and what’s it like being the Terminator again?

ARNOLD: Well being back with SLY and his little friends was ALOT of fun! We had a really great time on that set and you know! We finally have a woman on the team! It’s no longer a sausage fest there! Ronda Rousey was beautiful.. Great rack!

Me: Im sorry, what was that?

ARNOLD: her tits are super fantastic! I see a very bright future for her in the movies.

ME: Oh! Ok.. And what about Terminator 5? Can you tell us about that?

ARNOLD: No, I have been sworn to secrecy about everything in that film. I can’t tell you how the Terminator turns out to be John Conners father! Or that Sahra Conner was actually a spy for skynet! No, I can’t tell you any of these things.

Me: Wait! What?!?

ARNOLD: But! I can give you a really big exclusive about my next movie!

ME: Uh.. Uhm, ok. What…

ARNOLD: I have been inspired, by my good friend SLY STALLONE! And I have decided to write and direct! My next movie!

ME: Oh! Wow that sounds really.. Cool..

ARNOLD: YES! Very cool! It’s going to be a completely original film. Something that has never EVER been done before! Very Original!

ME: Wow! And this will be your first time writing and directing?

ARNOLD: YES! I’m very excited about it!

ME: Well, What is the title of this new original movie by Arnold Shwarzenegger?

ARNOLD: Commando 2!!

ME:….. What?!

ARNOLD: Commando 2!!

ME: …..Uh…

ARNOLD:  Yes! It’s going to be great! Now this is an exclusive!! only for you and your viewers! No one else knows about it!

ME: .. I don’t know what to say!

ARNOLD: it takes place right where the first one left off! Twenty years later. The Commando is retired! And my daughter, who will be played by Rhonda Rousey this time. Is going off to college! So, she convinces me to let her and a friend go on a European summer trip! I’m not sure about it at first. But my wife! Who’s now my ex-wife convinces me to let her go. BUT! Here comes the big twist!  As I talk with my daughter On the phone while she is over there.. She’s kidnapped!! So, I have to use all my Commando skills to go over there and rescue her. But the only clue I have of finding her. Is the sound of a man voice!! I play it Over and over so I can memorize his voice when I find him. Then! I learn that I only have 24 hrs to save her before she is sold as a sex slave to some Islamic terrorist!!

Me:…. Wait… Isn’t that.. The plot, to TAKEN.. Starring Liam Neeson?!

ARNOLD: NO! It’s a completely original film! I’m still writing it down. And getting all the things together!

Me: But, you just.. Basically explained the whole plot to TAKEN!

ARNOLD: I have never even hear of that movie!

ME: Are you sure?!

ARNOLD: POSITIVE! Anyway! Then. My daughter dies! Stricken with grief I contact some government friends and have her cloned! But, unknown to me! They make more then one! And the other is an evil clone! That comes back and tries to kill the good one! But then another clone shows up and says its my REAL daughter! That she didnt die as I had thought! So know I have three daughters! But one is evil and is trying to take over the world and me and my other daughters have to stop her!

ME: …………..

ARNOLD: I was thinking! Everyone is curious! Where does the Commando go from here? What happened after he saved his daughter? So I decided. To give my fans and the worlds movie audiance what they have been asking for, for all these years! A really super fantastic fun time in the movie theater with their favorite hero! Commando!

ME: …… Well that’s all the time we have here… Uhm.. Thank you.. (I think) Mr. Shwarzenegger! I wish you… The best of luck!

ARNOLD: No. Thank you! Bye!

God help us all if that man every writes a movie…

WELL! I hope you folks enjoyed that little parody! I was planning on doing it on my podcast. But I got microphone shy! I didn’t want to expose you all to my horrable Arnold impression! And if you tell me you did not read his parts doing his accent to yourself.. Then your a liar! Dear sir and lady!

So! Until next time folks.. Peace out!

TRANSFORMERS 4.. MICHEAL BAY NEEDS TO BE EXTINCT! (A Spoiler Filled Review)

WARNING!!!! THE FOLLOWING BLOG IS FULL OF SPOILERS!! SO KEEP READING SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WASTE YOUR TIME AND MONEY FROM WATCHING TRANSFORMERS 4: AGE OF EXTINCTION!!

Lets start with a couple of positives of the movie. It has truly funny and entertaining moments. The Dino-Bots were really cool. Imagine Dragons Theme song “BATTLE CRY” was awesome. And… The Transformers battles and the Transformers themselves were much better then they have ever been! And Stanley Tuccie and his character should have been involved in this franchise since “REVENGE OF THE FALLEN” and that about does it for the positives.

The Negatives! Micheal Bay directed it!… That should just about sum it up!

I’m a few days removed from watching the movie, So forgive me if I get my chronology mixed up. We first meet our human hero of the film, played by Mark Wahlberg, who doesn’t even try to do a half decent Texan accent and decides to talk with an even thicker Boston accent. (If that is even possible!) (I also don’t remember his name in the movie, cause I just didn’t fucking care enough to do so.) He apparently is a junk collector who hopes to come across a find that would score him that big payoff to. He and his assistant/partner (Insert the comedy relief character here!) Go to an old movie theater and come across an old fucked up truck. Then we meet his hot daughter played by the girl who played Kitara in that god awful “Last Airbender” movie (Bet those of you who did see the movie, didn’t place her face at first either. ME: Damn where do I know this girl from!? Oh yeah!! Wow she’s HOT!) and we get a quick back story of their family life. Over due bills, dead mom, hot daughter with secret boyfriend and a hapless inventor dad trying to make that big payday and send his daughter to college. (Jeez! I’m bored just rehashing that wait a minute!!! Mark is playing an inventor?!?…  And we are supposed to buy that he’s an inventor from Texas?!… Fuck you Micheal Bay!)

Then we take a nice look at the main plot of the film. A shadowy figure, played by Kelsey Grammer. Explains the state of American affairs post Chicago alien invasion (“DARK OF THE MOON”) A covert ops group is hunting any Remaining Transformers, whilst our hero Autobots have been Native Americanized and pushed on to a “reservation” in the middle of the American desert! When in fact, they are hunting and killing any and all Transformers that they find, AutoBots and Decepticons. We join such a group as they hunt a subject. As a shadowy Decepticon looking figure watches from a distance. The Black ops team goes in for the kill and we quickly realize that it’s RATCHET!! Motherfuckers are going after RATCHET!? The shadowy Transformer, Whose face changes in to a Cannon, takes down Ratchet. Revealing his association with the humans and his desire to hunt down and find Optimus Prime. (We learn that he is neither AutoBot or Decepticon.. Not sure if its mentioned in the movie at all. But my guess is, He’s the movie version of a Predicon! For you Beast Wars fans out there!)

Meanwhile: Mark is cleaning up the bullet riddled truck and discovers that it’s a transformer. Upon informing his partner and daughter they debate on whether to do what all the government signs say, “See a Transformer, Say something!” Desperate for money, the partner is all for turning it in and collecting a reward. The daughter just wants it gone. But Mark, for plot sakes decides that before he turns it in, he want to dissect it “It could really help my inventions, if I learn how this thing works!” (SHAKE MY FUCKING HEAD! Fuck you Micheal bay!)

Upon removing a Live Missile that was lodged in the engine, Optimus springs to life ready to start blowing some holes in these people. (Kinda wish he did at this point! Would have made things much more interesting) Poor Optimus is a physical wreck and falling apart. He reveals he was attacked by Humans and he must inform the other AutoBots of this betrayal and get them the fuck off Earth! Mark convinces him to at least let him help rebuild him. He sends his partner out for some supplies and surprise surprise, He calls the fucking government. The Dumb fuck! We would have been saved from so much shit if he had just kept his fucking mouth shut. But again, it’s all for the sake of the stupid ass plot! (FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY!) Low and behold Kelsey Grammers team gets the message and hopes that it’s Optimus. Somehow it takes them only 24 hrs to get from wherever the hell they were to Texas. Anyway, they hide Optimus in a secret bunker under the barn. Shit hits the fan. The Soldiers threaten to blow his daughters brains all over the front lawn. Optimus hears enough and bursts out guns a blazing. Suddenly the daughters boyfriend shows up and a whole “IMPOSSIBLE” car chase ensues! And when I say IMPOSSIBLE, I mean IMPOSSIBLE!! This piece of shit car they were escaping in would have killed them several times over if they attempted half the stuff they did in real life! The car gives  out and Optimus shows up to get them out of their! As they hall ass, The “Predicon” Throws some kind of Volcano effect proximity grenade of sorts! And kablamo! There goes our comedy relief! (Didn’t effect me much cause, 1. The dumb ass endangered Optimus and 2. I really wasn’t attached at all!) of course our main heroes were also in blast range but they made it to safety! (That’s heroes 10 Death zero! Surprisingly! Not to worry Death, they will give you so many more chances before the end of this movie.)

As they escape, Optimus scans another truck and gets a brand spanking new look! They ron da vu with the other AutoBots and we are introduced to a brand new set of Transformers, and BumbleBee! Who for some fucking reason still can’t talk without the fucking radio! (Seriously Bay!? Four fucking movies and BUMBLEBEE still can’t talk!? FUCK YOU!) (On another side note.. Where the hell did Half these AutoBots come from!? That’s gotta be the BIGGEST FUCKING PLOT HOLE IN ALL THE MOVIES! Where did these other AutoBots come from?)

We got some kind of Fat Army truck character, an Australian race car, a Japanese Fighter Helicopter, that, no lie. Is a fucking Samurai!(that was.. Interesting.)

I’m sorry but just trying to keep track of all the boring bull shit that happens in between is putting me to sleep. So I’m gonna try to rapid fire through this.

Then we get a subplot that should have been introduced in this way to long film as it is. Stanley Tuccie! The almost savior of the film is introduced as a Steve Jobs type of character that has been secretly developing a new “Product”/”Weapon” with the US government. It’s made of, get this… “TRANSFORMIUM” (FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY! Just stop! Stop already!) It can become whatever you want it to be! A BEATS PILL, or A Gun! (Seriously. He had it transform from a beats pill, in to a handgun… That’s something we need in the market… Fucking Bay..) This character was so poorly written, that its like they changed it during filming. At first he seems like a lowlife piece of shit that would sell his grandmother to put his name on a product and say he developed it! But towards the end he suddenly becomes a hero!? I mean, even the motivation for him to make that change was SOO half ass it’s ridiculous to even comprehend! But, Stanley Tuccie was a breath of fresh air! The other part of his government deal was (which reveals he has a partnership with Kelsey Grammers character) that the government provides him with all the “TRANSFORMIUM” that he needs, and he creates new home grown Transformers! One of them turns out to be.. Get ready for this… GALVATRON! (FUCK YOUUUUUU!!!! MICHAEL BAY!!!) That’s right folks! Stanley Tuccie. Using MEGATRONS severed head, was able to crack the genetic code of the transformers and use TRANSFORMIUM to create TRANSFORMERS! This new breed of  Transformers will be lead by his pride and joy GALVATRON! There’s only one slight problem.. Instead of looking like Optimus, like he programmed it to do, it keeps coming out resembling Megatron. (Can you guess where that plot point ends up..)

Whalberg and co wind up infiltrating Stanley’s company and he finds the scientist melting down Ratchets head for Transformium. This sends Optimus and the crew apeshit and they attack the building in hopes of retrieving what was left of Ratchet. Labeling it as a terrorist attack, Kelsey has Stanley send GALVATRON after them. Surprise! GALVATRON goes against programming and endangers innocence to get at Optimus. Eventually they are able to call off GALVATRON as The Predicon and his ship arrives to take Optimus away. In the process, takes The Daughter as well. (Oh yeah! There’s also stupid humans in this movie and we have to give them a reason to get on that ship to do some unnecessary shit!) Mark and crew get on board and go on their rescue missions. At the same time The Daughter escapes from being thrown in an incinerator and spies on the government baddies getting a special “Egg” from the Predicon. (Goodness gracious there really is so much crap going on in this fucking movie!)

Dad and Boyfriend find and rescue Daughter. AutoBots get Optimus and everyone escapes on an conveniently enough extra ship that’s attached to the much larger one. Some scout ships go after them and there’s a pretty cool chase scene. But by the end of that, Mark and Co’s part of their ship crash land so violently it’s hard to believe they could have survived. But it lead in to a very funny moment. The ship lands on a car, and the driver jumps out and says “You had better have Insurance!” Marks look is hilarious! “It’s a fucking space ship! Where the hell am I gonna get Inssurance from!?” Then he picks up one of re hundreds of BudLights that are scattered around, (Product placement!) cracks it open on the guys window and drinks from the bottle, then tosses the guy the bottle. The two groups gather together and review what they have learned.

1. The Humans have discovered how to make Transformers.

2. This “Egg” the Predicon gave the Mercenaries has the capacity to destroy an entire city and the residue that it will leave behind will be the Transformium they need. But, the outcome would not be worth it!

3. One of those little Transformers from the last movie, they rescued from Stanley’s lab. Was used to help decode their DNA! And while he was doing so. He noticed deep inside the Megatron head, was a little of his subconscious that was transferring itself in to the GALVATRON program. He may be called GALVATRON, but deep inside, Megatron is clawing his way back! When asked why he didn’t say anything? The little Bot said (in my words) “Fuck ya Humans! You think your so smart. You deal with Pandora’s box!”

Realizing the danger of  these humans possessing such a “Weapon” and Megatron/Galvatron coming back and possibly getting his hands on it.. It can’t be ignored. Optimus agreed to help the humans but said, after this fuck ya we gonna be out! (In my words!) Mark then calls Stanley and warns him of the potential danger of the “Egg” and that deep down he knows that he is not in control of Galvatron, and that Megatron is inside there.

This is where Stanley’s character suddenly changes heart and flips the character switch. He goes back on his deal with Kelsey Grammer and snatches the “Egg” just as Galvatron begins his sudden takeover! Infecting the other New Transformers made of Transformium and turning them evil.

Optimus and the Gang jump on their functioning ship that the hijacked from the Predicon. And head off to some unfortunate Chinese city to catch up with Stanley and get the “Egg” from him and rocket off to space before GALVATRON gets his claws in it. The resulting Climax of this convoluted and unneccesarily long film, does however prove to be the most entertaining and best part of the whole movie! Stanley Tuccie truly shines in these scenes!

The Predicons return for Optimus in the heat of this crazy Battle. Attacking the AutoBots ship and crashing them in the middle of nowhere. It’s at this moment Optimus realizes they can not win this battle alone. It just so happens, their ship they had escaped on also housed other Predicon prisoners! (It’s about FUCKING TIME!!) Enter the DinoBots!! Transformers who for some reason share a connection with Optimus in some way( I think they trying to place them as his ancestors of some kind!) Optimus must fight a very badass looking Grimlock in order to gain leadership over the rest of the DinoBots! It was over very quickly. And that’s when Optimus hops on Grimlocks back, sword in hand, and goes charging in to the battle against the Tranformium Transformers and The Predicons. I will admit I was very stocked by this point, watching Optimus charing in on Grimlocks back really got my blood pumping!

With this unstoppable force, The Transformiums! Went down like dominos. But GALVATRON escaped leaving room for him to return in Part 5. (Please Lord! Don’t let Bay direct that one. PLEASE!! Give him BAD BOYS 3 and make him go away from Transformers 5!)

Then came the slightly anti-climatic battle between Optimus and The Predicon. Mark and Co helped. And when Kelsey Grammer had Mark at gun point. Optimus blew his ass away (I was shocked at this point too. But then I understood.. It was his fault that all this was happening. The Predicons being there, Ratchets death and so on.. So yeah! Kelsey had that coming to him. Even by Optimus’s hand.)

When all was said and done, the DinoBots went off on their own in to the Chinese jungles. The world was saved. But the “Egg” needed to be taken Away. Needing to solve the mystery of why The Predicon was after him in the first place. Optimus chose to be the one to take the “Egg” off earth. And go hunting go these mysterious “Creators”

Then there’s also GALVATRON, who also previously vowed vengeance upon Optimus and the AutoBots… So, yeah he’s still out there..

Listen.. Dispite all the shit that should not be! Transformers 4, was a far more supirior sequal! It should have gone like this! Transformers, transformers Dark of The moon, then T4:Extinction! “FALLEN” should not have even happened! At all!

I’m sick and tired of Michael Bays over dependence on stupid unnecessary shots and camera angles, slow motions and dear god! I’m SICK of all these damn explosions!! SICK OF THEM! My gosh they are not crucial to every damn scene asshole! I know, no one goes to a transformers movie looking for a good plot and interesting dialogs. But do fucks sake we deserve better then this! Micheal Bay did not make me care about not a single actor. This movies script was a total waist if talent! Stanley Tuccie was the best. (If you are gonna go see this movie.. Just watch it for the Transformers and Stanley Tuccie and the visual effects! That’s it!

I am seriously praying the studio decides to get a different director for the next installment. SERIOUSLY! BAY is just trying to kill this franchise. If anything I would hope they do what Sony did afyer Spiderman 3 and completely reboot the whole damn thing.. And quickly. Noose are we fans going to sit back and take this crap they hand us! We want an action packed movie, that at least enthralls us with a good and meaningful plot!

Well, I think I’ve blown enough steam over this movie.. I was just really hoping this was going to be good.. I mean awesome! Then the last….. Just one more time.. FUCK YOU MICHEAL BAY! FUCK YOU IN THE ASS WITH A TRUCK LOAD OF “TRANSFROMIUM”!! Asshole!

SO!! Until next time folks… Peace out!

Top Eight Couples in Comics..

“Love is in the air! Every where you look around… Love is in the air!! Every sight and every sound!!” OH!! Shit! Hey, Folks! I didn’t see you there.. Uhm… Well… this is uh…. Awkward… (Sigh!) Just go, go to the list below….

8. GREEN ARROW/BLACK CANARY

Among my most favorite DC couples. GA and BC come in at number ten on this particular list. Never more has the saying “Opposites Attract!” Been more true in their case! I love these two together not only as a couple, but as a crime fighting duo!

7.SPIDERMAN/GWEN STACY

A tragic tale of youth in love. Though it is a short lived romance. These two make it on my list… Just because! Deal with it! 😉

6. RED RICHARDS/SUSAN STORM RICHARDS

The first couple of Marvel Comics. Mr. Fantastic and Invisable Woman are the truest representation of a relationship in comics! They have there ups, and they have their downs. But through good times and bad, Love conqures all!

5. SUPERMAN/LOIS LANE

DC’s version of Reed and Sue (in my opinion) though Superman is most currently with WONDER WOMAN. I chose not to acknowledge that relationship simply because.. I don’t like it. (Wonder Woman and Batman for me plz.) but I do like Superman with his one true love, Lois Lane! They complete each other in ways I don’t know how to pinpoint it!

4. SPIDERMAN/MARY JANE WATSON

Playa! Playa!! Ol’ Webhead hits my list twice. Cause come on, who dosent love red heads!? All jokes aside, After losing his first love, Gwen, Peter was a lost soul. If not for Aunt May and her friendship with MJ’s Aunt. These two lovebirds would have never met. MJ is truly the type of woman any hero would want. Not just for her looks. But for her undeniable support an love! Spidey and MJ are by far my most favorite couple within the Marvel Universe.

3.  JOKER/HARLEY QUINN

Uh….. I….. Well….. Hmm…… I got nothing! These two are just some really crazy fuckers! .. Just goes to show you lonely hearts out there… There’s someone for everyone!

   2. CYCLOPS/JEAN GREY

We have been witnesses to their romance from the very start. From  When Jean first walked through the doors of Xavier’s school for gifted youngsters, to their historic Marriage, to the several times Jean has died and come back. We’ve been there from the very beginning. How can we not consider their relationship among one if the best comics had to offer!

(I could include Cyclops and Emma Frost on this list. But lets face it… It’s all about the sex for them.. I find it alittle wired that he could just up and fall in love with White Queen so easily after their history together. Don’t get me wrong! They do make up as one of comics sexiest couples!)

1. BATMAN/CATWOMAN

A match that couldn’t possibly work! And yet, some how, DOES! I adore Catwoman!  But I am a tremendous champion for a BATMAN/WONDER WOMAN relationship.. (I just think that would be total badass and they are my two favorite characters!) But if he could never be with WW.. I can think of no one else better for BATS… Then the CAT! She is trully the Ying to his Yang… The chocolate to his peanut butter! The Mayo to his tuna!… I think you get the picture!

Well, that does it! That’s my list! If you don’t like it, well… Fuck you! It’s my list! And to be honest.. I made it a top eight because I really couldn’t think of any other couples! If you have any suggestions of who I missed and such. Feel free to let me know in the comment section below. Or hit me up on twitter (@GonzoNeo) thank you!

So, until next time folks… Peace out!

“MY DARLING I…. CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LIVE BABE! AND I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!! I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE BABE!!”  What the hell your still doing here!?!? I said… PEACE OUT!! JEEZ!! Can’t a man sing a love song in private!